How to please your wife
Rescue a puppy!
There's nothing that says 'I'm a caring, generous person' than adopting a puppy from an animal shelter. Your wife wants one and the puppies need you. However, a dog is for life, not just for a few weeks to make your wife happy, so if you or her can't commit to caring for your new puppy for its whole life, then consider some of the below items which should do the trick and make you the worlds best husband!
Multipurpose Blocks
It's not the item that's the gift here, it's what you create with it that pleases your wife. Your wife wants to see you've put in effort and thought about her personal needs. Grab a few boxes of these and make a cool step so that she can reach the highest cupboards in the kitchen. Or perhaps a small stool for when she is cleaning the toilet. The possibilities are endless!
Sandwich recipe book
If she seems irritated when making a sandwich or delays making one, it's most likely not because she thinks you're a lazy *******, but because she is bored of making the same old thing. This recipe book is sure to bring her hobby back to life and bring back her love for making sandwiches for you.
Dinner Bell
We all know that her need to make you happy can be stressful. One of those stresses is making sure that you are aware when dinner is ready so that you can enjoy it immediately. But if you are in basement watching the game or cleaning your motorcyle, it can take a while for her to find you. Do her a favor and install this dinner bell that you'll hear from anywhere in the house the moment dinner is ready for you to enjoy!
A fancy Vacuum
She loves to vacuum, but could that experience be any better? Hell yeah! Buy this new fancy cordless vacuum and she can do what she loves for hours! By 'hours', we don't mean all in one go as this only lasts for about 16 minutes before needing recharged (Which takes about 5 hours). Anyway, it looks really cool!
Foot massager
Many wives love a foot massage. The fact you are on this page, tells me that you're probably a bad husband and would never give a foot massage. So here's the solution. It's automatic and will last for years. You can say "would you like a foot massage sweetheart" and when she says "oh, yes please, that would be amazing", crack this beauty out, plug it in and slam her feet it. Pause and smile at her for a few moments, then grab a beer and go watch the game! Everyone's a winner!
The best dating sites
If you're on this page, you're a bad husband and you should get her this book. It'll enable her to find somebody who really cares about her. Either way, buy the other stuff above and let us know how it goes, then use this as a last resort.
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She'll find somebody who cares, and you get to scratch yourself in the basement watching football. Everybody wins!
Disclaimer:
Obviously, this page is a joke. In case you missed it, this entire page is satire (the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues). Brazen Brits do not support any forms of sexism, racism, ageism or any other ridiculous unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people or things. Basically, this is funny because....well....do you really think Natalie would appreciate me buying her a mop for her birthday?! That could suggest I am sexist, which I most certainly am not. However, I did buy her really cool pooper scooper for Christmas once. That was the year that I learned that no gift is better than some gifts. If you are interested in any of the products above, I suggest buying them as a gift to the household instead of for a specific family member. Any suggestions or advice listed on this page exists for comedy value only and should be used at your own risk. Brazen Brits provide no guarantee of a positive outcome. I (Laurence) and Natalie (AKA Brazen Brits) can not be held responsible for any actions.